Why do loved ones hurt us

Skip to Content. You may be worried about how your cancer diagnosis will affect your family and friends. A cancer diagnosis causes complex feelings and lifestyle changes that can be overwhelming for you and the people you are close to. Understanding the potential changes in the way you relate to specific family members and friends may help you take steps to grow and maintain healthy, mutually supportive relationships during this challenging time.

The effects of cancer vary from couple to couple. For some couples, facing the challenges of cancer together strengthens their relationship. For others, the stress of cancer may create new problems and worsen existing problems. Relationships can experience changes in roles, responsibilities, physical and emotional needs, and intimacy and sex.

Clear, two-way communication helps both people adapt as changes occur. Counseling can also provide support. Changing relationship roles. Cancer often forces changes onto the usual roles in a relationship. Someone who has always been in charge or served as the caregiver may have trouble accepting a more dependent role. Someone who has not served in those roles before may struggle to take charge and become a caregiver. One person may try to gain some control by becoming an "expert" in some areas of the disease.

They might even become overly protective or controlling. You may be okay with some of the changes to your relationship and uncomfortable with others. It is important that you talk with your partner about your feelings and work together as much as possible to make decisions about treatment, caregiving, and other issues. It will be important for you both to share your needs and desires and to remain flexible. Learn more about how to talk with your spouse or partner about cancer.

Changing responsibilities. In most relationships, each partner handles specific chores during daily life. One partner may do yard work and cook, while the other cleans and pays bills. If cancer and its treatment leaves you feeling tired or unable to perform your usual tasks, your partner may have to pick up those duties. If you must stop working, your partner may need to go back to work or work extra hours while perhaps also taking on caregiving duties. Added responsibilities may become overwhelming.

This can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. Meanwhile, you may feel guilty or sad. Talking openly about limitations and possible solutions will help you both feel more comfortable with these changes. It is important to accept outside help from friends, family members, or professionals, even though it may be hard. Changing physical needs. Cancer and its treatment can impact physical needs, such as your energy level or appetite. Your partner may not realize you need help or know how to help.

So it is important to talk openly and to clearly express your needs. Sometimes frustration and anger erupts from misinterpreting the other person's behavior. It is important that both partners talk about their needs and concerns. Changing emotional needs. Each partner may have different emotional needs that change frequently. After a cancer diagnosis, both people may experience sadness, anxiety, anger, or even hopelessness.

Both partners may need extra reassurance that they are still loved. Couples need to be sensitive to the changing emotional needs that come with a cancer diagnosis. Spouses or partners may want to consider talking with a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, together or on their own.

Spouses or partners caring for their loved one may find it easier to express certain feelings alone, without fear of hurting or overwhelming their partner. And it is important that the spouse or partner with cancer is able to express their feelings to someone who can handle the intensity of those feelings without being overwhelmed. Changing sexual health and intimacy.

Cancer and its treatment often affect sexual health. Depression, fatigue, nausea, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and other physical or emotional challenges may lower sex drive or make intercourse difficult or painful.

Both partners may feel anxious about this issue but be reluctant to talk about it. Every couple has different levels of comfort in talking about sexual health and intimacy. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away.

Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. Email: info relationship-institute. Why do we do this?

We hurt the one we love for several reasons: 1 Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma — we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Contact Us To learn more about how we can help you, call: Royal Oak Northville Ann Arbor Email: info relationship-institute.

This sense of unworthiness may have been formed in early childhood, due to an insecure attachment. Negative childhood experiences such as bullying can also make us feel unworthy. Chronic shame is common in people with depression, social anxiety disorder , and eating disorders. However, shame is a normal human emotion and we all experience it to some degree. Remember, we said that shame is linked to feelings of unworthiness? Well, to manage shame, we need to believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

To truly accept we are worthy of love and belonging, we must be willing to be vulnerable. This will enable us to forge deeper connections. Becoming more vulnerable is a challenging thing to do, especially if you carry a lot of shame. Here are some tips to help you get started:. We hurt them because we feel shame and unworthiness. Remember, shame is the fear of disconnection and rejection.

So, in an attempt to reconnect, we shout, belittle or threaten our loved ones. We should embrace vulnerability because it allows us to form authentic connections. Through my personal experiences, I have always held a strong interest in human suffering and satisfaction; this greatly influenced my career path. I then completed a postgraduate diploma in philosophical counselling before being trained in ACT Acceptance and commitment therapy. Sign up to our free weekly newsletter, to have early access to new articles on Meditation, Psychology and Breathwork.

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This conscious living can connect us to a deeper, more purposeful part of ourselves. November is MensHealthMonth Men's mental health is still one of the most stigmatised topics within society.